She stood there with her cute round face, smooth asian skin, and dark brown eyes. Her petite figure was exactly my type. She was standing about three meters away and I admired her from a distance. A distance too far to bare.
The distance between what a man wants to do and what he is too afraid of doing. A distance created by years of having no idea what she will think of me. A distance of how afraid I will be if she doesn’t reject me. A distance between two sides of my soul with a deep black chasm of anxiety between. Just three meters shy.
Yes, my life is that melodramatic sometimes. And you know what I did about those three meters? I did nothing.
Absolutely nothing
My mind went ablaze belittling myself. A destructive spree of self talk that threw me into the dark depths of my soul.
You sat there and did nothing.
You couldn’t even say hi to her?
You are such a little bitch.
You can’t even face a tiny Thai girl who is half your size.
You will get old and die knowing you did nothing, ever, when you saw a beautiful girl.
You’re so antisocial. How do you have any friends?
You’re so fake in everything you do. Why don’t you walk the walk.
Then the little voice reached into the past where it dug up as many unsettling similar memories it could possibly find. Then it used them to reminded me of all my past faults and insecurities. Even ones I have since overcome. It was relentless.
Identity crisis
That little voice can become so spiteful. It was so hurtful I began to question who I was. Who am I to say these things to myself? This can not be me. It wasn’t just about self confidence. It was about self identity.
Why is this voice such a little prick. I would never say these things to anyone else. Why am I saying them to me?
Now that I’ve recovered from my internal beating, I still don’t have an answer to this question, but I have definitely gained some insight about who I am and how to grow.
Thai lessons
My inability to close the distance between me and her has been a recurring event in my life. Lessons will always resurface until you learn them. Apparently my lessons will be delivered by a relentless army of cute Thai chicks.
But, it’s not just about girls. It’s about who I am now and who I want to be. The distance of an expanding infinite being who is getting in the way of himself. The distance between the Present Old Me and the New Awesome Me.
Present Old Me think he’s socially limited and is self conscious talking to strangers and afraid people will judge him. He doesn’t have the balls to face rejection and is afraid people will laugh at him behind his back.
New Awesome Me is completely confident in his ability to meet new people, make new friends, and attract girls. He is funny, clever, and very entertaining. He loves himself all the time and doesn’t talk shit in his head. He goes after what he wants regardless of what anyone else thinks about him.
[Side note: As being present me right now, writing this, I am not actually that socially inept lol. I am exaggerating a bit, but still, that evil voice can come alive and will say these exact things.]Get Awesomer Faster
It’s more about where I am relative to where I want to be. Sometimes I feel a lot of joy, but sometimes it’s time to learn. I feel socially comfortable in many situations, but I see a lot of room for improvement. That’s why I am now becoming New Awesome Me faster than ever.
And that is one of the lessons I have gained from this emotional roller coaster. The strong negative emotional reaction from not having the balls to approach became the launching pad for the rocket ship of my development.
It was such a negative experience that I am now saying NO. No I will not do that again. I do not like being like this. And I know I am the creator of my reality. I know this is my world. It’s my game. I know I can change myself.
So I am changing myself.
I want to be able to walk up to any girl or stranger in general and have a meaningful conversation with them. Now I am developing those habits at lightening speed.
Since then, instead of staying comfortable with my old habits, I’ve moved out of my comfort zone into new habits. I’ve been reading several books on social theory, human behavior, and even Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP. More than reading though, I walked out the door and into new things.
Un-comfort zone
Since the three meter event a few weeks ago I have forced myself to leap out of my comfort zone whenever I can. My main goal has been to meet as many new people as possible. There are lots of events and meet ups going on here in Chiang Mai and I joined everything even remotely interesting. I’ve already met lots of new people, had awesome conversations, and perhaps made some life time friends. I even approached some Thai models at a beauty pageant. How’s that for change? I like it.
If you want to meet people too, here are my favorite ways.
- Meetup.com – A directory of local events for just about any subject matter. Great place to find like-minded people.
- Couch Surfing – CS isn’t just for finding a place to stay. They also have groups and local events with cool people. Check it out.
- Local Facebook Groups – Just search for FB Groups with your city’s name and you should find tons of cool people, interest groups, and events. I typed Chiang Mai and found dozens.
- Online forums / blogs – Find forums related to the topic of your interest and see if any of the members live nearby and invite them for coffee. Works for bloggers too.
- Go outside – Find a local gathering place, like a park or college campus, and just be around people. Then talk to them.
- Book stores – You can see what people are looking at and interested in. This is an easy way to start a conversation.
Every time that I go to a new place or new meet up, I can feel the anxiety in my belly. The un-comfort zone. Now I welcome it. I craved it. This is my expansion and I can feel it. This is movement from old Tharyn to awesome Tharyn.
Now, the next time I see an attractive girl, I will not be three meters shy. Instead, I will be having coffee with her next week.
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If you liked this post, I’m also writing a book about becoming a “Humbly Confident Badass” as I like to call it. Check it out here.
Cheers – Tharyn