I might be going insane. But that’s the price of self awareness and healing.
Yesterday was a terribly unproductive day. The only thing I did was clear my inbox and desktop. Nothing else was done. I felt pretty shitty about it. And then I walked around wondering why I had zero motivation to do anything.
I kept doubting myself, wondering about my finances, wondering about my projects, and wondering about big decisions I need to make soon. A lot of self doubt crept into my head. It was a terrible day.
Telling you this is somewhat odd, but I think healing in a way. It’s not often we talk about how poor our work-ethic is on occasion. Although, I have heard many people express similar situations about their own motivations and projects. They sometimes feel lost, confused, indecisive, and uncertain about themselves.
It’s fun to get into these conversations, because I start seeing the hidden thread of truth among most people – we are chronically lethargic. The charade of productivity comes down. Not everyone in all cases, but from what I’ve seen, it’s more common than not. Not that we actually have to do anything, but usually inspired action is funner than being a Debbie-Downer.
Stare down your demons
Yes, it’s true, there are days when I don’t really care about anything. Perhaps I am mentally unstable, that’s always an option, but I prefer to see myself as acutely emotionally sensitive. Meaning that I am extremely feeling oriented. If I don’t feel good, then I don’t do anything except work on feeling better – aka raising my energetic vibration.
Feeling good in the present moment is by far the most important manifestation principle in life. To do this, I must stare my demons in the eyes. I must understand my foe – my self. And it’s not easy or comfortable. There is a large degree of self condemnation and hatred when this happens to me.
I blame myself for knowing too much about personal growth and yet not applying it enough to stay sane 100% of the time. However, approaching the extremes of insanity on occasion are actually to my advantage. It’s like breaking a bone just to have it grow back stronger.
I’ve realized that spiritual growth is not about feeling good all the time. It’s not about achieving and sustaining some state of enlightenment or perpetual perfection. Our world is based in duality and sanity comes only at the price of insanity.
It’s funny, to look back on those times from a perspective of clarity. Like right now, as I write this, I am at a much higher vibrational stand point. From here I can see why I went through those low points and what I gleaned from them.
However, in those dark moments, there is also clarity. That is when I find myself most insane. Watching my mind purposefully play tricks on me. Watching myself as I indulge in negative thoughts. Eating them up like a glutton. Devouring them as a fat kid becomes one with chocolate cake. Hating myself with each delicious bite.
It’s quite an emotional ride, to watch yourself walk the edge of complete insanity, with a clarity you developed over years. What have I become and where am I going? I’m still not sure.
It’s all good though
I am grateful for the clear times afterwards, because that is when I reflect and learn the most about myself. Times like right now, when I write and share. This is when I really begin to piece together the inner enigma.
Perhaps this made absolutely no sense to you. That’s fine. Perhaps you followed my inner thoughts and can relate in ways. I’m glad. Together we are on a journey of self awareness. We must not forget that sometimes that growing awareness shows us the truth of our entire being, including the good and the bad. Embrace your insanity and I think you’ll come out a little more sane.