I recently had a rather profound and simple realization. You know, the ones that are suspiciously subtle, yet extremely impactful? And you usually wonder, did that just happen?
The thing about realizations is that they are not what you think they will be. What is a realization anyways? I suppose I would define it as a knowing which is experienced.
You can not think about a realization, even after the fact. Thinking attempts to recreate the knowingness within concepts of the mind. No matter what you cannot reach that solid trueness with feeble thoughts alone. The only thing you can do is be grateful for the realization and admire it as something that was already a permanent fixture within your consciousness before you knew about it. Nonetheless, I will attempt to share my experience with you, because that’s just who I am… or is it?
A brief moment in time
This particular realization happened while I was reading. During one of those lapses in focus when your eyes are reading, but your mind is imagining some far off place. I was supposed to be adventuring in my fantasy book, but my mind was caught worrying about a possible future. I was thinking of how people might judge me because of some of the experiences that I have had and am going through now. Then it hit me…
*I am not the contents of my experience.*
A fissure trembled through my consciousness and in the blink a thought I experienced my naked core. The resulting chasm separated me from all the experiences I’ve ever had. I saw how clearly I was not any of that. I am none of the contents of any of my experience. Absolutely none of it.
I am not Tharyn. I am not from Michigan. I am not victim to my woes. I am not even the fulfillment of purpose or creativity. I am not anything out there. Rather, I am – full stop. Just pure conscious awareness.
I’m still a Tharyn
However, I am not denying that those are experiences that I’ve been exposed to. Tharyn is still the experience that I have current awareness of. All of my experiences are still valid, but they just take on a different meaning. My transient personality has shown its impermanence. Yet I have a deep knowing of my true permanence. The primary question that should be asked is that if I am none of those impermanent experiences, then who am I? That’s the feeling and knowing I had – an awareness of pure being.
As a result of that glimpse of my core beingness, I feel that my sense of identity has shifted, ever so slightly, towards who I am, rather than what I’ve experienced. I am far from any definition of enlightened, but I believe each and every one of us are being exposed more and more to our own true nature.
In that glimpse there was great freedom, and it still lingers. The original moment of realization has faded, but the gift of wisdom has continued on. I have a greater sense of invulnerability and ease. Even as the world swirls around me, a hurricane of brilliant and wonderful experience, I will hold on to my knowing that no matter what, I will always be the I of the storm.